Stay

Loss is strange. It affects us all in different ways and, often, in ways we don’t expect. For me, one of the most difficult things to deal with is the way that the memory of a person can change or fade as time goes on. Obviously, you can remember a person through pictures or videos but it’s the other memories, the ones that you close your eyes to recall, that can’t be preserved outside of your mind’s eye. Things like the way a person smelled, the true sound of their voice, a certain twinkle in a person’s eye, a funny quirk or habit. The intimate details that picture or video can’t capture, the things that are unique to the way that YOU remember someone. Those are the things that tend to slip away and I’ve found that a sense of guilt has often accompanied the fading memories. Especially when they’re associated with the people that are the MOST important to me…people like my mother or Maura. 

Several years ago I had a dream that changed the way I view loss. I walked into the dining room at our home in Hanson and sitting at the table were Maura and our mother. I had experienced similar dreams prior, but there was something noticeably different about this. This dream was much more vivid and the little details that I thought had been lost, the source of my guilt, were very present. What shocked me the most were their voices. I could hear them, really HEAR them, exactly as I knew they should sound. They looked and moved exactly how I knew they should and, although there was nothing profound about what was happening, the clarity of what I was experiencing was overwhelming. I woke up that morning with tears on my face and pillow because, by the end of the dream, I was begging them to stay. I had become consciously aware that I was dreaming and I wasn’t ready to wake up or to let them go. The whole thing changed me because, once the initial shock wore off, the realization that Maura and our mother still exist somewhere deep in my memory gave me great comfort. It proved that they would never truly be lost. 
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I recently wrote a song about the dream because music and writing are two of the most powerful ways that I’ve used to cope with life’s adversities. My mother absolutely loved that I had a modicum of musical talent and Maura was one of my biggest supporters when I first picked up the guitar. While I haven’t finished the music, I wanted to share the lyrics as I think that my experience is very relatable and, while it’s deeply personal to me, to share some of who I am with this community. You’ve all given so much to our family so I wanted to give you a more personal view into me and some of what I do to cope with Maura’s loss.

​‘Stay’ - written by Kurtis Murray
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I walk into the room and you’re standing there
But I can see that something’s different
So I stop and stare

It’s So hauntingly familiar and it seems to me
I’ve found the memory I’ve been searching for
But, so often, fail to see

So I ask, Is this real?
Could this be real?
Not sure how I’m supposed to feel

When you talk, my heart is racing
I hear your voice, for once it’s full and clear
Not just a memory left to disappear
And your smile, so full and bright
No longer hazy and distorted
An image lost to memory’s fading light

So I ask, Is this real?
Could this be real?
The only thing I want becoming clear

Stay, Won’t you stay?
Oh God, please stay
I lose more of you now everyday

Just stay
Why can’t you stay
I wish you’d stay
I Can’t bear to feel you fade away

I’m desperate now, I’m on my knees
I know that time is short, it’s just a dream
But in this moment you’re something more to me
Than just a distant fading memory

I’m lying here, I’m in my bed
A million memories running through my head
But the reminder that’s been given me
Is in my heart, my soul, my blood is…
Where you’ll stay

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